Remote control – not only do half the buttons not work from water damage but half the back has been removed, by teeth.
Post – corners have often disappeared from our letters. This also happens with magazines, boxes, papers, books. ‘We were on page 57 last night in your Disney book, wait, where the fuck have the page numbers gone?‘
Furniture – teeth marks surround our coffee table, since the baby can regularly be found hanging off it, by her mouth. The new interest seems to be the TV stand. Because it’s impossible to own fancy furniture, without it being redesigned by teeth marks, scratches and stains. Ever.
Baby wipes – the struggle to change a babys nappy is real. Throw her a wipe to chew on and everyone’s a winner. The post dinner cleanup, made easier by tossing another wipe the baby’s way.
Floor debris – if we were to keep a clear, debris free floor, vacuuming would have to take place around 700 times a day. Which no-one has time for. Especially when the toddler decides HE HAS TO DO IT. So, along with the once a day vacuum, the baby also removes small crumbs or fluff from the floor.
Toys – the ones not designed for such a thing. Musical toys, that now sound like they’re drowning in a sea of baby drool. This isn’t always a bad thing. I no longer have to listen to ‘I’m a little yellow car, beep beep‘ for endless amounts of time because it has no off switch, thank God for that.
Phones – hearts have stopped at the sight of their baby chewing their phone.
Body parts – it’s all fun and games, until marks are left and someone is crying
Babies explore with their mouths, this means, in the eyes of a baby everything is edible. Unless it’s a meal you’ve spent a significant amount of time preparing, that’s not edible.