The Rundown Of Putting A Toddler To Bed

Share his enjoyment of peeing in the bath, by cheering alongside him. Perhaps throw in a high five, he is very pleased he’s peed in the bath, that he’s sharing with his sister. Poor girl.

Encourage that leaving the bath and getting to bed is a great idea by being overly excited by the whole situation. In a very cheerful, breathy voice say ‘come on, lets get this towel round you, so you can get into bed’ while baring all of your teeth, with a smile so wide your cheeks ache slightly.

Bribe him out of the bath with the promise of taking a toy to bed, any toy.

Not that toy. That’s too noisy. *put musical instruments back in the toybox*

Not that one. That’s too big. *put huge ship back on the floor*

How about this one? *show him his teddy* which he takes to bed every night anyway.

He’s not falling for that shit.

He wants a train. Not this train. Not that train. He wants the green train. But he can’t say green train.

Collect together every single train, in existence, in the house.

Exhibit every train to the toddler.

Green train selected and pyjamas put on.

Start zipping up his sleeping bag, as he asks for a frog.

What frog?

He’s crying for a frog. What shitting frog do you mean, darling.

Think ‘fuck, he’s never going to bed’ and contemplate a trip to Sainsburys to buy a toy frog. Which by then he would want a fish, or a snake, any plastic toy figure we don’t happen to own in toyland downstairs.

Realise when he said ‘frog’ he meant duck. The plastic duck that holds his toy bag up in the bathroom.

Toddler happily clutching the green train, the duck and his teddy.


He wants milk.

Race downstairs to grab a bottle of milk and tread on a Lego piece. Try your best to resist punching the wall and yelling FUCK at the top of your lungs, because you don’t dare wake the baby up.

Lay him in his cot and melt at his sleepy face. Stare at him with a loving gaze, which quickly turns to panic as he puts his arms up for a cuddle.

Back out of the room slowly and whisper ‘love you’.

Creep downstairs and stand on the same Lego piece.


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