It goes without saying that becoming a parent is a huge shock to the system. There is no way to prepare yourselves, everyones experience is different just as much as every baby is different. However, if you’re looking to prepare your partner for the evenings he will be coming home to, once you’re both settled into parenting, then here is the best preparation:
- Purchase a large bag of flour. As soon as soon as he walks through the door, hand him the flour and burst into tears.
- Mix a concoction of flour and water, then rub into his shoulder and down his back. Then say ‘oh dear darling, the baby has been sick’ throw him a kitchen towel and walk off
- Sit the bag of flour in a chair. Make yourself some beans on toast, throw half down your partner, some down the bag of flour and the rest on the floor. Start crying.
- Find an animal and ask him to put a nappy on it. A small, restless pig would work well.
- Eat some cat food, ask him to smell the bag of flours’ bum, then burp in his face.
- Is he about to eat a biscuit? Not on your watch! Take it. If you eat snacks in front of children, be prepared to share (give it all away)
- Play Disney theme songs continuously, throughout the evening, while obnoxiously singing along
- Attach a hose to your bath taps, cover the entire bathroom in water. Call your partner up. His turn.
- Lay in bed with the bag of flour between you and cry on its behalf
- Set your alarm for 10pm, 1am, 3am and each time set your fire alarms off, then assure him that it’ll settle itself
- Get up at 5am, latest
Did he survive? He’s ready!