Disgusting Things All Parents Do

The sniff test

We can’t just accept that someone has definitely filled their nappy (and possibly baby-grow) by the questionable smell that instantly fills the room, we can’t also just get vaguely close to our child to find out which one it is (sometimes to discover both). Instead, we bury our faces in the bottoms of our children and inhale deeply, before dry-retching on the smell that makes our eyes water.

Nappy examination

The proof is in the poo. If a child is ill, it normally shows, somehow, in their nappy. A thorough examination of every excretion is the ‘done thing’ when we suspect our child is ill. Sometimes drafting in a second opinion from your partner if you’re unsure if that’s just an undigested raisin or something more serious.

Lick it clean

Whether it’s a bottle teat, a spoon or a dummy, as parents we feel our saliva is the best thing to clean these things after they’ve been dropped.

What sick stain?

The baby has just vomited on your shoulder but you’re already an hour late to, something. You deny all knowledge of such a stain and accept you will smell a little bit cheesy for the rest of the day.

Wipe your nose… on my top

I’ve given up wearing anything nice, usually. This is because my tops turn into tissues throughout the day. ”Do you have a snotty nose darling? Here, use my top”, I even use it for my own nose sometimes, Kleenex is expensive… Everything gets wiped either on my top or legs, food, snot, juice, spills, everything!

Snot sucker

I never thought I would see the day I’d be sucking snot out of my childs nose. Low and behold that day came. In desperate times we resort to desperate measures. It was either that or lay awake all night checking their breathing.

Thank him, for a bogey

When they first start picking their nose, it’s a hilarious event ”look, he’s picking his nose” you will find yourself shouting. Until he hands you the huge wet bogey, not so funny now, is it. But you accept it (and wipe it on your leg, where else?)

Toenails

Not only will you help your toddler pick their toenails, but you will also chew off their excessively long toenails. Scissors are the devil according to our toddler, sometimes they are the best thing in the world and he wants them, he wants them now! I would never chew my own toenails, that would be disgusting.

What’s in the bath?

I don’t think we are the only family who’s children have shit in the bath. That stuff won’t just go down the plughole will it. So, we have to evacuate all children, fish it out and re-place children into the bath for a re-wash.