- On the entire journey to your day trip he will cry, thrash and whinge. He will do this until you indicate to turn into the car-park. He’s now asleep.
- Everyone will gather around the car asking what the plan is, convincing you to just sit in the car for a while. But you won’t. I’m such a dick.
- You gently unclip those rubix cube style straps and hoist him into your arms for a loving cuddle. Guess what? He doesn’t want a shitting cuddle. Because you’re the idiot that’s just woken them up. You bastard, you. (Did I mention it’s raining, it’s pouring, the toddler was snoring, until you woke him up)
- Your toddler will now be screaming and crying, along with some face punches and stomach kicks. They want daddy, they don’t want daddy. They want to be put down, but still want to be carried.
- You will continue on to your next stop. Carrying a toddler having a mass freak-out. Dodging the puddles aside the road caused by the downpour you’re trudging through.
- Once you’ve reached your destination (in our case the arcades) you’ll continue a battle of strengths with your toddler, only to be shamed into realising they’re winning. You’ll then swear a few times and leave for the car before you lose your shit in front of the dozens of strangers, who just cannot take their eyes away from this spectacle. You will also drag your own mother back with you (if she’s present).
- In the car the toddler will insist on sitting on your lap in the drivers seat. Only he won’t sit on your lap. He will stand, dig his heels into your thighs and carry on screaming. While a piece of you dies after each minute you’re having to endure this meltdown. Constantly reminding yourself that you’re the one to blame *slow clap*
- After five minutes trying to distract him with singing and bribes, you give up. You drag him back into the arcades and then ask yourself ”where the fuck has everyone gone?”. Guess what you’ve also done, left your phone with daddy. You deserve another slow clap.
- You’re now cursing daddy (Mr Firstooth) under your breath, but think logically and go to the next amusements building. Still wrestling a feisty toddler, in the rain, holding back your own tears.
- There they all are, sipping tea and laughing, popping their pennies in the machines and winning sweets. *Cue hysterical laughter* oh how lovely Mr Firstooth, put your coffee down, take your son, while I go outside and talk myself down from any argument I was about to have with you, because somehow, this is all your fault.
- Toddler stops crying now he’s seen daddy. FML. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry. But you roll with it, grab a stack of 2p’s and join in.
Never wake a toddler if they’ve just nodded off in the car. Never again.