Today we had a family day. My favourite day. I get to share the burden of two terrors and we get to enjoy a day as a family. It’s also an excuse to have wine before 6pm, it’s a weekend after-all.
Mr Firstooth bent over last weekend and ripped his shorts clean in half. These were his only pair of shorts. Silly billy, doesn’t he know to have a spare pair of everything? Maybe that’s just us women? So after baring his bum to our new neighbours we decided we’d spend today looking for a new pair. We can use our lovely new stroller again that I just can’t get enough of! Any excuse to whip it out and I’m there! This trip to our shopping centre is also something quite adult. Something we’ve not done in a very long time. We take the children to one or two shops at a time but we daren’t risk any more. But today, we risked it.
What a pair of t*ssers we are (I can imagine our toddler thinking).
The Next sale was on so it would be rude not to. I found quite a few outfits for the children (Mr Firstooth left me in charge of both children in the baby section while he went to mens, why did he do that to me?). Meanwhile in the shop, our toddler decided to start using everyones legs as a maze. Not just around their legs, but through them. I had to cut my browsing short to apologize to seven other shoppers, while manoeuvring the stroller behind my little terror. By now he’s gone deaf, he must have if he can’t hear me yelling his name behind him. I can feel the disapproving looks and almost hear the tutting. I never thought I would be the mum who called after my child. Not just called but shouted, it turns out I am. My inner chav surfaces (I think we all sometimes have an inner chav, don’t we? Say we all do). After hoisting the toddler over my shoulder and Mr Firstooth saying ‘no shorts in here’ (lie I can see plenty, he likes what he likes, he always reminds me) we quickly paid for the childrens clothes and made a dash for it.
Now it’s lunchtime and the toddler has really upped the ante on behaving like a mini psycho, screaming, out of nowhere and at people, I could’ve just died. I just want to point out that our baby was an absolute angel the whole trip, thank you baby, today you were my favourite. It’s decision time for lunch, jacket potato with beans for baby. Probably over-egging the portion size but she’s a foodie like her mum. Then what do we fancy and what does the toddler want? Shit, where’s the toddler? Oh there he is, sitting at someone elses table. Apologizes to unsuspecting while nervously laughing. Mcdonalds it is. What child can refuse fishfingers and chips *cue bad parenting bribery. Mcdonalds is not enough of a distraction, because guess what he’s seen? One of those sodding Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom rides. Lets pack all of our lunch up and move tables near to this machine, so he doesn’t seem like a waif and stray while he’s on it. I disappeared with him behind a board for some empty threats and bribery to stop him from screaming ‘No!’ every other child near the machine, even when he wasn’t on it.
Lunch finished and a fishfinger *chips was enough to coax Mason away from the ride. Back to some adult shopping. What’s he doing now? Laying on the floor. Why? Just because. He’s sprawled himself out right across the walkway and people are having to step over him. I’m hysterically laughing in my head. Neither of us parents knew quite what to make of it. He continued to do this after every few shops, walk for a while and lay down, walk for a while, lay down. I’m finding it really hard asking him to ‘come on’ because I’m trying so hard not to laugh. This boy is bloody hilarious sometimes. Laughing would undoubtedly encourage this. Not ideal. So I walked off. Mr Firstooth had to take over while I dart in and out of other shops. Enjoying the freedom.
Eventually they catch up with me and the baby. (I shouldn’ve walked a bit faster, tee-hee) In one of the shops Mason took a liking to a pair of shorts. I thought well, I will let him hold the shorts while we browse and pop them back before we leave. He hot-foots it out of the store. My embarrassment level is at it’s peak now as I chase after my toddler thief and shamefully walk him back in the store. It’s safe to say, it’s time to leave.
We may not have ventured in as many shops as we wanted to and Mr Firstooth still didn’t manage to find any shorts, but the children got lots of new clothing, as they always do. One day, the more often we venture out to normal shops, our toddler will get used to it. They both will. Our shopping trips are different and less care-free than they used to be but they are entertaining. Mortifying in the moment but we’re making memories. They also save us from buying any unnecessary things because we cant visit all the shitting shops anyway.
Sometimes bribes don’t work. Sometimes it’s just best to roll with it. See the funny side (I promise it’ll be funny later).